We went into a nearby farm to ring the NRMA who came out and said she was ‘rooted’ and towed her back into town.
We knew we had to push on though as we had a gig in Gladstone (above Kempsey in NSW) that night.
So we grabbed a couple of bags of stuff, said goodbye to the van and started hitching.
Ivan Milat killed off more than backpackers.
He also just about killed off the Australian tradition of thumbing a ride.
Not many people hitch in Australia these days and even fewer pick you up.
Especially if you’re dishevelled, have two massive bags next to you plus a huge goat with horns.
After a while Jimbo and I started mixing it up to see if our chances improved.
We’d both take turns hiding in the bushes to see who had the best chance of getting someone to stop.
The art of hitching is basically about putting a positive vibe out for the drivers going past.
A lot of it is in the eye contact which can be hard when you’re tired and the sun’s directly in your eyes.
Sunnies and hat covering your face will never work.
Anyway, five hours after we first put our thumb and hoof out we were both falling asleep and resigned to the fact that it looked like the sun had also gone down our chances of getting to the gig.
Which was a pity because we were looking forward to this one.
We knew it was going to turn our East Coast tour into the black.
Two people turned up to our gig in Brisbane, enough turned up to our Surfers Paradise gig to pay off our fines, Broken Hill council cancelled our Evans Head gig, and half the town turned up to our Woodenbong gig (all six of them).
All the signs were looking good for this gig too.
The main hurdles we have with gigs are this:
1) Hardly any venues these days want to deal with unsigned acts who cold call. Most pubs only deal with agents who only deal put their own acts on.
2) Those that do give us a go, generally don’t like advertising us more than putting a poster up on a dunny door. Their reasoning after the gig is, ‘Sorry but I didn’t want too many people turning up to the gig in case you were shit. Let me know next time in town though and I’ll talk it up when I’m serving beers.’ Publicans these days rarely last more than 18months especially in the country.
3) We don’t have a door person so before each gig while collecting money we normally go around answering the same three questions for an hour which can get tiring. ‘Are you funny?’, ‘Tell us a joke?’, ‘Why should I pay money listening to you when I can spend it on bourbon instead?’ are the main ones.
4) Jimbo’s act has been honed in the front bars of Australia’s Outback pubs in rooms where when he starts talking no-one is listening to him. His punch lines are brutal. He’s now attempting to bring this show into the cities un-edited for people who want something different from their standup. Most people who come to his comedy show now pay to hear him go to the extreme. Some can’t handle it though and walk out and complain. Having a publican who will back us through a few walkouts knowing that those who stay to the end will have had a top night is vital for a good show for us. Or at least helpful.
This gig in Gladstone had it all.
David had seen Jimbo perform many times at his old pub and had advertised this gig on local radio, made his own posters, sold tix (about 30 which is good for us) and guaranteed his customers they’d have a top night.
He was looking after us by setting up the right conditions for us to do our best work.
All we had to do was rock up and let it rip.
It was all laid out for us.
Yet here we were, just when it was about to happen, 300kms away, eyeing off a ditch on the side of the road.
After years of travelling, we’re both used to sleeping on the side of the road.
It's not that hard when you get used to it.
Missing a gig wasn’t hard either.
We know we’ll run into more good gigs if we keep trucking on.
What made Tuesday night hard was knowing our publican mate David had stuck his arse out in the wind for us and he was going to be the one who looked bad the most – in front of the customers who were his bread and butter.
We were leaving him high and dry.
We knew we couldn’t just sleep on it.
So instead of crashing out and resuming our hitch in the morning we left our big bag of t-shirts in the bush and walked into Casino to find a phone to let him know before the crowd lynched him after their fifth drink.
When we got into town, we had one last go at hitting people up for a lift even though we knew we’d still be at least an hour late (I was prepared to piss in a bottle if we got a lift to save time).
We even went into two pubs and started asking people if we could borrow their car.
Then Jimbo made the call to Dave the Publican which he said felt like ringing up a bride at the altar and letting her know, 'Look, I love you but can we change the date of the wedding?’
'But they're all here, it’s all been organised, is there anyway of you getting here even if it's late?', David pleaded.
Jimbo knew he’d done everything short of car-jacking to get to the gig though.
David then said he'd put some money on the bar to keep them happy to which Jimbo said, 'we want to make this up to you so how about if we get there on Saturday night after our Newcastle gig and do a show for free and rip the roof off the joint for you while giving your customers the best night of their life?’
It was the best we could offer and David took it well.
We then walked down to the Light Industrial Area to find our van so we could at least sleep in it but it was locked up, so we rocked back to The Commercial Hotel where the publican said he'd put us up for a night for $40 as long as I stayed locked in the yard not the room.
Early the next morning, Jimbo then walked back out to get the bag we’d hidden in the bushes.
No-one had taken it.
If they had they would have got a shock though coz it was full of 'I fucked a goat' t-shirts.
The bag was still too heavy to carry for ten kms back though.
Jimbo then tried to hitch again and again no-one would give him a lift back (even without me) so he left the bag in the bushes and walked back into town hoping to crash out for the day in the pub and catch up on some sleep before working out a game plan.
This wasn’t to be though coz the publican said, he didn't want a goat staying in his pub two nights in a row so Jimbo started walking down to the library.
I had other ideas though. I was still hungry coz there wasn’t much feed in the pub courtyard that night and we started having a tug of war with my collar in the mainstreet.
We had no phone, no internet (our ipad got smashed when Jimbo sat on it), no van, a small bag and a frayed rope in between us.
People kept on coming up to us and asking what the story was.
Sometimes when you’re on the road, there’s a fine line between telling people how you are and sounding like a beggar.
What we really wanted when Jimbo explained our situation was a lover of the arts who had somewhere for Jimbo to lay down while I ate their rose garden while they fixed our Toyota van.
Most people just said, ‘don’t worry, you’ll get there mate but can you take your goat off the street, it might cause an accident’.
Eventually Jimbo stopped going into detail about our situation to every inquirer and just started telling people with a crazy look in his eye that we were “Road junkies looking for a fix of ‘how do you get outta this town’”.
People seemed to leave us alone then.
Except the guy who ran the newsagency.
He popped his head out the door and said, ‘do you want to leave your goat out the back coz my yard needs mowing?’
Which was a magic offer because his yard full of clover plus it
gave Jimbo time to go to the library to check his gig diary on his website.
When he came back he informed me that he’d stuffed up.
Our gig in Newcastle was Saturday night which meant we’d double booked which would mean he’d have to ring up David the Gladstone publican and change the date again.
We knew that wasn’t an option though.
Jimbo didn’t mind being called ‘the guy with the goat’ but not ‘the guy with the goat who called Wolf’.
We knew the only chance we had of saving the gig was to rock up to Gladstone in the flesh sometime today and let him know we meant business – by proclaiming we were definitely doing a gig for him Friday night.
This would also give us two days to spruik the gig up to the locals to ensure a good turn out.
So Jimbo called the NRMA guy to see if the van was salvageable.
He said if it was going to go again it first needed to see an auto electrician and if we found one he’d tow it there.
Jimbo then found a payphone, lined it all up and walked with me to the Casino Auto Electrician in the LIA (Light industrial area).
Having a full belly of clover, there was no need for him to push me there now either.
We skipped down there, checking out caryards on the way.
The Auto electricians told us the starter motor was buggered and because it was an old van they'd have to order in a part which would take days and be expensive.
So we went across the road to the wreckers to see if they had a starter motor for an '87 Toyota Hiace.
The wrecker said 'no, not many cars in here are more than 15 years old sorry'.
Jimbo then asked him if he had any cheap cars.
He said the only one he had was a $500 one that wasn't rego'd.
Jimbo then said, 'Well, none of the cars we walked past on the way here were in our budget so if that’s what it takes to get to Gladstone tonight, we’ll buy it’.
'You're going to drive off in an un-rego'd car?'
'Yep, coz we have to get there ASAP. I'll put my van plates on it and wait til midnight, drive the back roads and then when I get to Gladstone tomorrow, I’ll get it rego'd there while I spruik up the gig’.
The wrecker guy then said, ‘are you performers?’
Jimbo said, ‘Yeah’.
The wrecker guy then went on, “this reminds me of my favourite John Williamson song were he says, ‘would you tie it up with wire just to keep the show on the road?”
Jimbo then replied, “Who knows, maybe he meant, ‘would you drive an un-rego’d car to a gig” but the lyrics didn’t rhyme?’
'You're really going to do this, aren't you?' said the wrecker.
‘Yes’ said Jimbo.
‘Even though every cop car has got a rego scanner which matches it to the type of car it should be on and alerts them if there’s not a match’, said the guy wiping down his wrench.
Jimbo then said, ‘As soon as we get outta this Casino, we reckon our luck is gunna change’.
'Well then, hold on a minute' he said putting down his rag and wrench.
He then pulled out a map and said, 'I'll show the best back roads, first go towards Tenterfield and chuck a left...'
After we'd go his directions Jimbo and I then went across to the Auto Electricians to let them know that the wrecker was coming to take the van.
As we walked into the workshop the radio was blaring out 'Why
did you give up on me so soon?'.
The mechanic then said, 'Look we've just found a reconditioned starter motor out the back which might work, give us another hour an we'll have a crack at it'.
Anyway they did it.
And for the second time on this tour our van 'Lazarus' had came back from the dead just when we’d been told by the local wrecker that they were prepared to take it off our hands for free.
As we pulled outta town we realised we were $500 lighter.
Which all up, wasn’t bad for a 24hr stop at a Casino.
We also made it to Gladstone last night where David said he was happy to see us.
The barman Daniel then offered Jimbo a bed at his place and an unmowed backyard for me.
Everything was back on track again.
Our next gigs are:
16/8/13 Heritage Hotel, Gladstone, NSW.
17/8/13 Mayfield Sunset Studio, Newcastle, NSW.
18/8/13 Qbar, Sydney, NSW.
25/8/13 Highlander Bar, Melbourne.
No comments:
Post a Comment